


I Don’t Want To Live Anymore

by wheres_peggy_tho



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m really mean to John guys I always do angst on him, Self-Harm, i basically ruin John’s life, this is just hella sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 15:58:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15222668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheres_peggy_tho/pseuds/wheres_peggy_tho
Summary: I took a perfectly good John and I broke him. Like ohmygod please take him away from me I can’t be trusted.





	I Don’t Want To Live Anymore

John grabbed a spoon to steal some frosting from the cake his mom was icing but she took the spoon from him and sent him away. “Can’t you wait till I’m done?” She asked with a laugh.

“I was just taste testing.” He said. She shook her head and told him to leave the kitchen till she was done. She continued on the cake before she started to feel slightly faint. Martha came into the kitchen and looked at her.

“Mom are you ok?” She asked. Before she could answer her vision went out and she fell to the floor. “MOM!” Martha ran to her and kneeled down next to her. “MOM! JOHN SOMETHINGS WRONG!” John ran into the kitchen and paused for a second before hurrying over to them.

“What happened?!” He asked kneeling next to his mother too.

“I don’t know! She just fainted!” Martha told him.

“Go call an ambulance.” He tried to keep his voice steady. Martha quickly stood up and pushed her way out the kitchen past her siblings who know stood in the doorway.

“John what’s going on?” Henry Jr asked. Mary stood to his side clutching his hand.

“I-I don’t know.” His voice was so quiet he could barely hear it himself. He felt his mom slightly squeeze his hand and he looked down at her. “It’s ok the ambulance is on its way you’ll be fine.” He told her. She managed a nod.

—

They sat together in the waiting room. Martha, Mary, Jemmy, and Henry Jr were all together on the couch hugging one another while John sat by himself in a chair shaking. Their father quietly talked to the doctor. “Children.” They all turned their heads and he motioned for them to follow. As they walked into the room Eleanor was in John felt like his legs would give out. The last time he saw his mother lying sick in a hospital bed he was twelve years old. Now five years later he was seeing it again and it hurt like hell. They talked to her. Her responses were quiet but at least they were there. “Children.” They turned to their father. “Let’s give your mother a minute to rest.” Though they were hesitant they all got up and headed to the door. John felt a tug on his hand and looked to see his mom still holding it.

“Stay for a minute.” He looked to Martha who was waiting for him. She gave a nod and walked out. He sat back down next to her bed and took her hand. She smiled at him. “Look at you. I can’t believe your seventeen. You really do grow up so fast. When you were born, oh my god, I was so happy. You know you didn’t cry? I got a little scared because I couldn’t hear anything but when they handed you to me, oh my heart melted. You were so tiny and happy, you were such a happy kid. You wanted to take on the world. You were interested in everything, especially nature and animals. I remember you telling me you wanted to be a… what was it?”

“Marine Biologist.” He smiled as tears filled his eyes.

“That’s right. Marine Biologist. I’m surprised you even knew what that was at five years old. I remember when you first talked about growing out your hair. Your uncle came for Christmas and his was grown out and you absolutely loved it. I had to talk your father out of getting you a haircut because I knew you would’ve been devastated. You would let Martha do your hair, and Mary after we had her. You seemed like you were going to take on the world.”

John didn’t bother to stop his tears as he put his head down and held his mother’s hand tighter. She used her other hand to run her fingers through his hair which he had taken down earlier.

“I’ll admit, I got a little worried when you went to school. Sure you were really happy at home but you were shy around the other kids, you grew out of that but still. When you said you made a friend I was proud. And I’m glad you kept him, Lafayette is a great friend. And Hercules, the boys a sweetheart. The Schuyler sisters are such angels. Then, you got to seventh grade and I noticed you didn’t seem as happy anymore.”

John bit his lip, scared of where this conversation was going.

“You just became so quiet and distant. Everything seemed to get to you and I hated seeing you like that. I tried to get your father to lay off you because I saw how much it affected you. I felt like we were loosing you, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so happy you found Lafayette. Everybody needs a good best friend and you found one. I’ve talked to him before about you.” 

He kept his head down but turned it and looked at her.

“He told me that he got really concerned when you started acting different, that he made sure you always knew you could talk to him, that he would always be there. He told me that… that he’s gotten you out of some really dark places.” Her eyes started to fill with tears. “And I am so grateful to him for that. I am so happy that he takes care of you and helps you. Does Hercules know?” John shook his head.

“Not everything.” He told her.

“Hm. I hope you can talk to your friends when something’s wrong. You’ve always been one to care about other people but remember to care for yourself too hun. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you… I feel I’ve talked a bit too much. One more thing though, I know you’re gay John.” John felt like his heart stopped. He picked up his head and looked at her with wide eyes.

“What?”

She gave him a small smile. “I know you’re gay. I’ve known for years.” He stared at her in disbelief.

“What? H-how? Did Laf-“

She shook her head. “No Lafayette didn’t tell me, I’ve just known. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I was scared.”

She put a hand to his cheek. “Never be scared to talk to me honey. I will always love you no matter what. Who you are, who you love, and who you become is completely up to you. I would have no right to judge you for it and neither does anyone else. I will always be proud of you. Never forget that.” Her grip on his hand loosened slightly and she laid back down. Her eyes fluttered.

“Mom?” He stood up a bit.

“I love you John.” She used what strength she had to pull him into a hug.

“No no mom you’re going to be ok.”

“You’re going to be great. You already are.”

He held onto her as tears rolled down his face. “Mom please.”

Her eyes closed and her hold of him went limp. The sound of the machine she was hooked up to flatlining echoed in John’s ears as he pulled back and looked at her. “Mom? Mom! MOM NO PLEASE!” Doctors came into the room, a nurse pulled John away but he didn’t want to leave her side. His family stood in the doorway trying to figure out what was going on. They tried the defibrillators, it didn’t work.

“Call it.”

John could feel his heart beating out of his chest. _‘No… no no no no no.’_ His vision went blurry.

“Time of death, 4:34pm.” His sisters cried behind him holding on to his brothers. John screamed, falling to his knees in sobs. The nurse that had pulled him away tried her best to calm him but it was no use. He was shaking more than he ever had during any panic attack. His throat hurt from how loud he was crying. She was gone.

—

Lafayette and Hercules’ parents were told the next day. They had been close family friends for years. They told their kids right after the phone call. Laf and Herc wanted to see John but it was no use. John didn’t want to see anyone let alone talk. He didn’t say a word for the next three days. None of the Laurens kids did. Laf and Herc hadn’t told anyone else what happened. It’s not like anyway asked, there was no way of them to know that something was wrong. They knew John’s party was canceled but they just didn’t know why.

“A family thing maybe.” Peggy suggested as they sat in Angelica’s room. They started getting ready Saturday morning before they were told it was canceled.

“I mean he never even wanted a party in the first place. Maybe he changed his mind.” Angelica pointed out.

“But he made a deal with Herc.” Eliza said.

“That doesn’t mean he went through with it.” Angelica told her.

When he wasn’t showing up to school they got slightly worried. He wouldn’t answer any calls or texts. It got to the point where they considered going to his house but Laf and Herc shut those ideas down, though they wouldn’t say why.

It got worse.

—

Jemmy and John got into an argument. It was so stupid. It was so pointless. Why did they do it? Jemmy screamed that he hated John before storming out the house. John couldn’t handle it. His sisters cried on the couch, Henry Jr held them both. Their father was gone, handling the details of his wife’s funeral. John left the house too. He went to Lafayette’s. They stood in the hall, Lafayette trying to get John to tell him about the fight.

John wouldn’t say what his mom had talked to him about before she died and that pissed Jemmy off. He told him he had no right to keep those words to himself. John told him that they were to him specifically and it got worse from there. John told Jemmy he was being annoying, Jemmy told John he was being rude. It ended with Jemmy using their father against John. Calling him out for never standing up for himself. John told him to fuck off and that’s what made him storm out.

Laf pulled John into a hug and moved his hair from his face. When was the last time he did his hair. It sat loose and tangled. That’s when John got the call. Nothing could have ever prepared him. “Hello Sir.” Laf watched as John’s eyes grew wide and filled with tears. He could see the panic coming in and there was no way to stop it. He fell to his knees in sobs.

“Jackie! Jackie what’s wrong? What happened?” Laf saw how John flinched away when he tried to touch him and knew this was bad. He called for his mom, Marie, who quickly came over.

“What happened?” She looked at them with so much shock and worry in her eyes.

“I don’t know! He won’t let me touch him I-I don’t know what to do!” Laf looked to his mother who came and kneeled in front of John.

“John sweetie what happened?” She asked him. He tried to talk but he couldn’t stop crying. He kept muttering, he’s dead, he died.

“Jackie what are you talking about?”

“JEMMY!” He finally yelled. “JEMMY’S DEAD!” Lafayette’s eyes widened.

“Go call his father. Go call his father now.” Laf jumped up at his moms words and ran to get his phone. She held John as he continued to sob.

—

Their parents talked as Laf helped a still shaking John to the car. John sat in the front seat, his arms wrapped tightly around himself. Laf hugged him and kissed the top of his head. He stayed with him while he waited for his father.

“Henry what happened?” Marie asked him. Henry sighed.

“Jemmy had left the house today and got into an accident. He went down to the rocks by the river and according to the witnesses he slipped and fell off of one, he fractured his skull. People called and ran to get help but the ambulance didn’t make it in time. He lost too much blood and died before they got to the hospital.” He explained.

Marie put a hand to her mouth in shock. “Henry I… I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry.” He gave a small nod before looking out the door at Laf and John.

“I worry for them. The kids.” He said. “I never taught them how to handle these things. She understood them more than I did.” Marie stared at him. He was a very technical man.

“She was a good woman.” She said.

“She was. And he was only thirteen. He had his whole life ahead of him.” He looked back to her. “I should get going.”

She nodded. “If you ever need anything don’t hesitate to ask.” He gave a small smile before leaving.

—

The ride home was quiet. John was still shaking in his seat, Henry didn’t look at him once. “I want you to go back to school tomorrow. All of you.” There was a long pause. John clenched his fist.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Now Henry looked at him.

“Excuse me?” John had never once dared to speak to him like that.

“Jemmy just died and that’s the first thing you say to me? Five days. Five days after mom dies he does too and that’s what you fucking say?! I knew you were an asshole but Jesus are you really this heartless?!” John shook violently in his seat as his nails dig into his palms. “I had a panic attack when you called me! Nothing feels real anymore! I don’t feel real and I can’t fucking handle it! I don’t want to live like this, I DONT WANT TO LIVE AT ALL!” He stopped and tried to calm himself but it was hard. He hadn’t noticed they were home. Did Laf always live this close? Henry stared at him.

“John-“

“Don’t fucking talk to me.” He got out the car and nearly fell over. His legs felt like giving out but he managed to run inside and upstairs. He locked his door behind him and sank to the floor. _‘I don’t want to live at all.’_

“I don’t want to live. I don’t I can’t I don’t I can’t.” He sobbed as he muttered to himself. “Please, I don’t want to live anymore.”

—

John went to school the next day like his father said, though he tried to get out of it. He basically begged but Henry refused to listen. The last time he got that mad and threatened John that much he was five years old and accidentally interrupted a meeting. That was also the only time he got mad enough to hit John, or at least it use to be the only time. His hair was still loose and messy, he truly didn’t have the patience to try and fix it and he wore his biggest sweatshirt to hide the nail, pencil and scratch marks on his arms. He ended up having to bandage some of them. His siblings choose to catch the bus but John refused. Herc told him what the bus is like, said the kids on his literally burn things. So, he walked. Not giving two shits how hot it was and that his sweatshirt made it so much worse. _‘Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll have a heat stroke and die.’_ Was the first thought that crosses his mind.

His legs were practically numb by the time he got to school but he kept going to the cafeteria. He paused after he walked through the door and stared at the table where everyone was. Herc and Laf were the only ones missing. Probably for the best, they’d try to make him go home and even though he desperately wanted to he knew he couldn’t. They all looked so happy, talking and laughing. He’d just ruin the mood if he went over there. _‘No. They don’t know. No one knows.’_ Maybe he could just get through the day. Just one day at a time. _‘No, no, no I can’t.’_ He felt panic rising in him. _‘Why did I come here? I don’t want to be here. No I seriously can’t do this. I can’t do it please no. Mom’s dead, Jemmy’s dead I can’t do it. I want to be dead. I’d rather me be dead. Why the hell wasn't it me?’_ He hugged himself tightly. There was too many people around. The cafeteria was too loud. He wanted to leave. He could just go to his locker than go to class early, that’d be best. The only problem was he’d have to walk right past the table to get there. _‘I don’t want them to see me. Not like this.’_ He decided to just walk past them, as fast as he could and just hope they don’t notice.

“Hey morning John! Where have you been these past few days?” He stopped dead in his tracks. They noticed. 


End file.
